in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
