This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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