i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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