so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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