I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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