my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
