I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
