You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you mean i was at the winter classic?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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