If you die in college, do you die in real life?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
