is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
