I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
