i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
