btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
