Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
