is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
