I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
