she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
