the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
