I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
a search helicopter?!
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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