When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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