Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
