I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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