Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
