I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
