I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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