You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
