My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
