Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
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