who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
