I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
