Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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