i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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