I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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