I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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