Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
