Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I pour the whiskey from now on
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
