I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
