I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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