i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
