I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
After last night, I could never be a politician.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
