and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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