thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
