Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
