Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
