9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
