I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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