I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
