Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
