Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
