i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
