I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
