I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
