I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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