I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
